The time I learned to say “No” at work
It was only my second job out of university, working as a software developer for a small consulting company in Copenhagen. I was 26 years old, dressed in a suit and tie that still felt like a halloween costume to me, having meetings with the customer’s VP of finance, trying to find out exactly what the IT system we were developing for their new factory should be capable of.
The customer was in France, and I regularly flew down there from Copenhagen for work and meetings, landing in Basel, an airport situated so you can exit into Germany, France or Switzerland, depending on which exit you choose. As one of my colleagues found out to his cost when he accidentally exited on the Swiss side rather than the French and ended up paying Swiss taxi rates for the trip to the customer’s factory rather than French.
Now here’s the problem: At every single meeting, the customer changes the specs for the system. First they want this, then they want that. First they want it in this way, then in that way. Meanwhile, I’m quietly going crazy.
Of course I never show it, oh no, I play the consummate professional, capable of dealing with everything. And of course the customer is always right - right? So I coolly explain to them that “this is different than what you said at our last meeting and implementing the change will be costly”. They just say “sure, but that’s what we want”.
And then, finally, I lose it at a meeting. They introduce change number 2883 (by my loose reconing), once again going back on what they’ve told me previously, and I snap. I actually pound the table with my fist, snap my folder shut and say through clenched teeth “No. This can’t go on. This system will never get off the ground if you keep changing your mind at every meeting. We need to make decisions and stick to them”. Then we take a break.
During the break I’m standing alone drinking a cup of coffee, thinking “well, that’s the end of this project for me”. I feel really embarassed for having lost my cool in that way.
So what happens next is totally unexpected for me: They start treating me much better. All the time I’d tried to play the cool professional - that didn’t really fly with them. But when I got mad, and showed it, I showed them some of the real me. I showed them that I was human, and that there were things I wouldn’t put up with.
From that point on, they respected me more and they trusted me completely. I became the guy they went to first and work on the system became much more smooth. Go figure!
I learned two things from this incident:
1: Don’t be afraid to say no to a customer - Customers trust you more if you say “no” when the answer is no. In the IT company I co-founded later, we once asked a customer what they liked about working with us. Their answer “That you say no! Our other suppliers say yes to every request we have, then don’t deliver because it’s too difficult. You guys say no if you can’t do it or if it’s a bad idea”.
2: Show emotions at work - Sometimes it’s a great idea to show what you’re really feeling. There’s this fiction in the workplace that we come to work as rational people and leave emotions at home. That just ain’t so - we get as happy, mad, sad, thrilled, disappointed and excited at work as we do outside of it. Never showing that isn’t good for you.
One of the keys to happiness at work is an ability to say “Yes!” as I wrote about in a previous post. When a new idea comes along, when somebody asks for your help or when a co-worker suggests a new approach, saying “Yes” is what moves things along. If all ideas and suggestions are met with a “No” (or a “Yes, but…”) change becomes very difficult.
But it’s just as important to say no when no is the answer. If you can’t say “No” at work, then your “Yes” is meaningless. If you work in a company where “Yes” has somehow become the only acceptable answer, meaning that compliance is forced on employees, then nobody is really saying yes. They’re not even given a choice. Demotivation, cynicism and covert sabotage are sure results of this.
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Jim Said,
August 15, 2006 @ 10:36 pm
I don’t know that getting mad is necessary. Learning to say no by saying “you said you wanted this last week, now you want that. I can’t give you something that does both in the time frame, so you need to decide which one you want.”
Although, I’ve found that when they act like that, I just allow for the later enhancement in the code. After the first release, they usually like it so much that they have big ideas for enhancements no matter what you do.
Robert Hruzek Said,
August 15, 2006 @ 10:39 pm
Alexander, you are right on the money! But this doesn’t just hold true for individuals, it’s true for companies as well.
I won’t say much about who I work for (an engineering firm), but one of the reasons our clients like working for us is that we tell them “no” when they ask for something that can’t be done.
It never does anyone any good to promise the moon if it can’t be delivered. The reputation hit can kill you!
vs Said,
August 16, 2006 @ 3:38 am
“Sometimes it’s a great idea to show what you’re really feeling” — Please underscore “Sometimes”.
Alexander Said,
August 16, 2006 @ 9:15 am
Jim: If you can do it wihout getting mad that may be better. In this specific situation we were able to move forward because I got mad. If I had calmly explained the same thing to them, nothing would’ve changed.
Robert: Exactly!
vs: And sometimes it’s a spectacularly bad idea and will get you fired. I agree. But most workplaces are currently geared against showing emotions and I believe people would be more effective if they were allowed to be themselves more. Would you agree?
Rendwich Said,
August 16, 2006 @ 10:16 am
I think this is only interesting because of the cultures involved. Americans get angry at work all the time. Sometimes it’s a disaster - maybe someone gets shot - and sometimes it’s great because the angry person also happens to be right, and gets his/her way. But there is no guarantee.
The real message here is that Scands need to show more emotion in all parts of their lives. It’s simply a matter of taking decisive action according to your true opinions. And certainly the French are some of the most emotional people in Western civilization, so of course they understood your outburst as a form of communication.
Try that in the UK and see what happens…
Stressedmanager Said,
August 16, 2006 @ 10:25 pm
A friend of mine has a book about leadership in his bathroom; “Parkinsons secrets about leadership” or something like that. I read a few lines each time I visit him, and I have urgent business to take care of … If you know what I mean.
I recently read something that made a big impression on me; the most difficult thing a leader has to do, is to say no.
After reading that, I felt relieved. It is very true, and not only is it difficult, but it is important. Saying yes can have to disasterous consequences. Saying no too often can be bad as well, of course, but saying no is definetly the most difficult thing to do.
Alexander Kjerulf Said,
August 16, 2006 @ 10:36 pm
That’s true, stressedmanager - saying no can be really difficult.
It’s also true that sometimes it’s easier to say no. When new suggestions come along that seem risky, unclear or which might rock the boat it’s sometimes easier to say “no” instead of “that sounds interesting, please tell me more”.
Meriblog: Meri Williams’ Weblog » links for 2006-08-17 Said,
August 19, 2006 @ 11:26 pm
[...] The time I learned to say “No? at work I’ve had exactly this experience. Best thing my dad ever taught me: “Failure is always an option. Only idiots believe that success is the only possibility” (tags: management business work powerofno power customersatisfaction) [...]
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September 19, 2006 @ 10:22 am
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John Said,
September 20, 2006 @ 9:37 pm
Not all emotions are good to show at work. Frustration is one that is always left underwraps while at work. Same goes for stuff like bitterness and seething anger and the like.
But what you did was simply putting your foot down: this won’t ever be finished if they keep making changes.
I work in IT. There are PLENTY of times I tell clients ‘no’. But in the end, if they want it this way or that way and they want to pay me for it, then that’s fine.
‘The client/customer is always right’ is too simplistic. ‘The customer gets what he/she requests so long as he/she pays’ is more apropos.
Will they in the end blame you if the project never gets finished because of the changes they require? Sure, they might. But in the end, it isn’t YOUR project, it is THEIR project that you are working on. You don’t own it, they do.
Alexander Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 9:47 am
John: I agree that we often hide negative emotions like fear and frustration but I believe that’s a bad thing at work.
Emotions don’t go away when you suppress them - they become stronger. The best way to reduce frustration is to get it out in the open and do something about it.
As for doing it the customer’s way, I remember one story of an IT consultant who adviced his customer against a specific database solution. They went with that solution anyway, and lo and behold, it didn’t work - for the exact reasons he’d told them.
They call him in to fix the problem and he shows up at the meeting wearing a T-shirt saying “I told you so!” on the back.
Every time he turned to write on the whiteboard, he was not-so-subtly rubbing it in their faces.
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February 21, 2007 @ 10:40 am
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Jack Said,
August 31, 2007 @ 8:08 am
Jack…
you have a very nice blog and very informative article…
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February 5, 2008 @ 3:07 am
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