How to Make Friends at Work
This is Karl of Work Happy Now guest posting for Alex while he is snowboarding in Whistler. It’s going to be a fun couple of weeks so stay tuned for some really cool ideas.
My friend Stacy works for a technology company and she struggles to make friends. She’s in the customer service department, and is on the phone most of the day. When it’s time to go to lunch, no one from her department can go with her because they take lunches in shifts.
She feels awkward about going up to people and introducing herself. She’s not sure what to do because she likes the work, but not the job.
I’ve been in her position. I worked for a small leather manufacturing company that sold toy horse saddles, wallets and brief cases. I was stuck making sales calls all day long, and I disliked the job as a result of my lack of social interactions.
I highly value finding and making friends at work. It can make the difference between loving and hating a job.
Penelope Trunk of Brazen Careerist also believes a friendship can change your work experience.
“Here’s some advice for those of you who don’t like your job: Maybe your job is not your problem. Maybe it’s that you are not trying hard enough to make friends at work. People with one friend at work are much more likely to find their work interesting. And people with three friends at work are virtually guaranteed to be very satisfied with their life.”
- Penelope Trunk - You will like your job more if you make a friend at work
This post will not be about directing you to break out of your shell and be outgoing. This post is about helping various kinds of personalities figure out the best way to make friends at work.
Everyone is different and has individual needs.
Personality Types
Shy
If you are afraid of rejection then you probably have some instances in your past that hold you back from making new friendships. I’m not going to go all “Freud” on you and make you dive into your past. You don’t need to overcome these feelings to make new friends. You need to acknowledge that this plays a big role in your social interactions.
Let’s say Stacy is afraid of just going up to people and saying something as simple as, “Hi, I’m Stacy.”
Stacy has to play to her strengths. Instead of reaching out, she needs to figure out how to get people to reach out to her. I would suggest that she makes cookies for every department with whom she is in contact. Send them all an email explaining that she appreciates their help and these cookies are the best way she knows how to show them that she cares.
If someone made cookies for my department, I sure as heck would walk up to them and say thank you.
Instead of being the hunter, a person who is shy needs to figure out alternative methods that bring people to his/her world.
Grumpy
Some of my favorite people have been my grumpy co-workers. They are a pain because a lot of them like to complain, but my take on it is that they just feel every situation very deeply.
The only way they know how to deal with it is to be grumpy.
If you are a grumpy person 2 out of 5 days a week then you have to put yourself in the grump category. This isn’t a bad label, just one you have to work with.
You can do this by being a good empathizer. People love to complain. If people know that they can come to you for support and a “friendly ear,” it can make a job easier to handle.
We all need stress relief. Giving people stress relief will endear you to many of your co-workers. Be forewarned that you may be putting yourself in the empathizer role, which means people will keep coming to you to vent.
Outgoing
Everyone thinks that the outgoing person has the easiest time making friends. This isn’t necessarily true. They may talk to a lot of people, but still may not have any close friends upon whom they can rely.
Outgoing people usually aren’t very good listeners. I’m not here to tell you to develop your listening skills. I’m here to tell you to go with your strengths.
If you are outgoing, then get people laughing.
We all love a good joke to release some tension and create a fun experience. You may want to memorize a joke each morning for the next couple of weeks. What usually happens is people will want to laugh with you. They will want to tell jokes too. This is where you need to step back and let other people shine.
You get the laughing rolling then let other people join in.
Black Sheep (aka weird one)
I always considered myself the black sheep. I think many of us consider ourselves to be the black sheep in the family when we first start working a job.
Black sheep like to think of themselves as weird and special. We are all weird and special in our own way. I love to do push-ups in the park when I take a break. I have a co-worker who talks about her kid every single day and all day long.
We all have quirks. It’s up to you to find people’s quirks and accept them. If someone loves “The Simpsons” then talk to them about it. Make them share their lives with you. When they start sharing who they are they will consider you a friend – a friend who loves them for them, without any judgments.
Relaxed
If you are a laid back person who just goes with the flow, good for you. I wish I had that ability. I’m actually working on letting this become a larger part of my personality.
The problem is that people who are laid back and relaxed usually don’t ignite friendships. They are so liaise-fair that no one becomes attached to them.
When you are a “relaxer” at work, you need to show other people that you care. When someone talks about one task that they struggle with during the day, try to bring it up the next day to show them that you were listening.
Showing people that you care about them will allow them to care about you.
Methods Review:
- Bring them to you
- Empathizer
- Make them laugh
- Share experiences
- Relax and Enjoy
Bonus
Invite a co-worker to lunch.
If all else fails, just invite a co-worker to lunch and get to know someone better. As long as they don’t get the lobster bisque with salmon and rice, then offer to pay for their meal.
Do you feel that having friends at work is important factor for your work happiness? What do you do to make more friends at work? Do you have a best friend at work? Have you ever quit a job because you didn’t have any friends? Let’s discuss in the comment section.
Karl Staib writes about unlocking and kicking open the door to working happy at his own blog: Work Happy Now! If you enjoyed this article, you may like to subscribe to his feed, follow him on Twitter or read one of his most popular articles, How Does Google Create a Great Atmosphere?
Image courtesy of nelgallan
Written by karl Permalink
Michael Henreckson Said,
March 9, 2009 @ 12:42 am
The common theme I see in all of these personality types is that to be a good friend at work, you need to be someone who listens and cares about others. Be friendly and unselfish and you will fit in almost anywhere and be a friend for everyone.
Lance Said,
March 9, 2009 @ 3:24 am
Hi Karl,
Great to see you over here!
And a very good point here about what friendships can mean to someone’s commitment to the job they are doing. We are social creatures – even if we fall into one of the categories that are “less” social – we still crave interaction with others. And work is no different than any other place. Great things to ponder here Karl – thanks much!
Selfcoachingcards Said,
March 9, 2009 @ 9:06 am
Hi Karl,
thanks for taking over while Alex is away!
I don’t agree with everything that’s being said, especially with labelling whole personality types “shy” or “grumpy” :) but I agree with the basic idea of
- sharing/caring
- listening/empathizing
- encouraging and promoting a positive atmosphere
People like people who are like them, so whatever personality type you are, try and find something you might have in common with the people you want to befriend and then share it with them.
Showing interest in others and i.e. asking them for help (valueing their expertise openly) will also help in “making them feel good” and getting them to like you.
People like to hang out with positive and happy people more than others. Not everyone would appreciate an “outgoing” person who keeps telling jokes when the general atmosphere is not great and people are worried or dissatisfied about something – they might think of that person as shallow.
However, you can be positive just by being friendly, smiling, encouraging and respectful to others and by taking their grumpy, shy, or weird ways seriously and trying to reframe them in a positive way. Not easy :)
I recommend the classic book on this subject – the grandfather of people skills – “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie. It’s life changing for people like Stacey (and has been for me…) :)
A
Mike King Said,
March 9, 2009 @ 2:24 pm
Great tips here Karl. I think friendships are easy to create, but only if you are willing to give instead of take in a relationship. Do something unselfish for someone else and you will easily make friends.
O.D. Said,
March 10, 2009 @ 11:43 pm
I agree with the basic idea of be nice, get treated nice, but if you are in a career or just an in between job then you had better be careful. What happens if that friendship goes bad? What happens if someone misreads your friendly advances as sexual or romantic? Some people substitute a world of friendship at work as an escape from their family and outside the workplace relationships. If something goes bad then you are stuck in a situation with a person that you may see daily until retirement. People need to put more emphasis on quality work and focusing on the team objective. Do I really need to know about Susie’s divorce or Jim’s beer league softball game? What happens if one half of the friendship suddenly gets a promotion that makes them the superior of their friend? That is a whole different world of strain. Ms. Trunk states that three friends at work virtually guarantees that you will be satisfied with your life. I for one do not define myself by my job, work or career and therefore would never count on relationships built there to determine my satisfaction with life. That line of thought is a little grandiose and a bit of a reach. There is a whole world out there for friendship. There is a difference between friendly and friendship. Be friendly to all, including those who don’t return the offer, but choose the source and motivations of your friendships wisely.
Mike King Said,
March 11, 2009 @ 2:51 am
O.D., I think there is much to explore on the items you bring up. I think the fear of those problems and even entertaining them to be a risk not worth taking is sad to see people worry about. Do you worry of the same things when you meet a person on the street or at a social event? If you live in fear of what might go bad, you will never be able to make friends through selfless giving to them first. You can’t go wrong here if it is done whole heartedly.
As for position power, I am friends with my boss and friends with many of my directs as well. We all know that business is business and friendships are friendships, they are easily separated. One is for the organization (the business) and the friendships are for each other.
Being stuck with a person is also something I’d challenge. If you feel that way, you really are not looking to make friends, but enemies. Having a loving nature towards others give a person a perspective that all are worth befriending, not a select few. Can you really be stuck with someone then? Not by my eyes, ever. Even if it did come to it, who stays in a job till retirement anyway nowadays? People move, jobs change, your roles change, etc. All this enables a dynamic number of people to interact with and if you leave a wake happy pleasant relationships from job to job, you will have nothing but more success, not less, if you value the work highly anyway.
Is this experience you’ve learned to be cautious with this from or what? I’d be quite curious what leads to the cautions you advice?
Kiz Said,
March 11, 2009 @ 7:33 pm
There’s an important thing that you sort of alluded to here (particularly with “Relaxed … I’m actually working on letting this become a larger part of my personality.”). That is, no one is exclusively one of these personalities–most people will be some combination of the above, with certain aspects coming out more than others depending on the time, place, mood, etc.
It doesn’t make your advice less meaningful. On the contrary, I think it’s good reason to take it holistically, read through all the possible ways that you can reach out to other people, and figure out what way(s) just feel natural. But you may wish to offer a caveat that the distinction between different personalities here is just a convenient way of organizing different methods, not a way of pigeonholing people into personality types.
I actually really like where I work, and much of that is due to my coworkers and supervisor(s). In the last year or two I’ve made a concerted effort to get to know people in general, and that’s led to some friendships that extend outside of work. Thus far, it’s really paid off in making me feel more comfortable (and happier) at work.
There is one caveat, though. I don’t see this working if there’s a significant age difference between you and your other coworkers. If I’m in my mid-20s and all my coworkers are in their mid-40s, it’s rather awkward to go beyond professional courtesy into friendship. K
Ally Lar Said,
March 18, 2009 @ 11:42 pm
I think alot of people have difficulties in socializing in an office settings especially on their first month at the job. They are hesitant in going up to them and introducing themselves, they feel awkward and shy at the same time. Worrying about making the wrong remarks or comments to their new colleagues, is in every new employees mind i guess. Everyone wants to be liked and welcomed in the office, they want to feel belong in the new environment that they are in. I think it is important for office relationship to flourish and thrive so as to create a balance work climate for everyone. It helps to motivate individuals to do more in their jobs as they feel connected and happy. However, I do believe making friends in social networking site is another great idea for people to not only get to know more people outside of their office but to also learn from different job backgrounds and experiences that they have. It creates a wide array of fun by interconnecting globally through everyone on the web. It is fast, easy and free so why not? Sometime you can even get job offers so that you can travel or meet your next boss. I went to this website http://www.onecubicle.com and i completely love it because I get to make so many friends and learn alot from all these new people. I can’t get enough of it. :D
Making Friends at Work | Learn This Said,
March 23, 2009 @ 1:17 pm
[...] commenter here, Karl of Work Happy Now , posted this article about making friends at work over at Chief Happiness Office. I read both of these blogs and they have a lot of great content to [...]
DH Said,
April 1, 2009 @ 6:47 pm
I would suggest that just going to ask a colleague something,, even if it is to borrow a piece of equipment and also saying Hallo and Goodbye at the end of the day is a step forward. Too many people rely on email these days for basic communication. Much better to get out of your comfort zone (!) and go and ask them / talk to them directly. Don’t get me wrong, I love email but I think it can be isolating.
Jason Monastra Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 5:25 am
I think this is a good read for anyone trying to assimilate into a new environment. People do not realize how hard it can be and most of the time do not notice how their lack of friendship dictates how they feel about a new position. For contractors or consultants especially on longer term assignments, this is a must read.
Lambentpath » Friendships in the workplace Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 5:32 am
[...] Read the rest You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. Tags: Company Image, culture, environment, friends, friendship, friendship at work, workplace relationships, workplace romance [...]
Jason Monastra » Blog Archive » Friendships in the Workplace Said,
April 8, 2009 @ 5:42 am
[...] Read the rest [...]
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September 16, 2009 @ 8:20 pm
[...] Read the rest [...]
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October 15, 2009 @ 2:11 pm
[...] How to Make Friends at Work – The workplace can be a great place to make new friends, and author Alexander Kjerulf gives his advice. [...]
Tracey Said,
November 25, 2009 @ 11:42 pm
Good points from the article & from some of the comments. But, is it possible that someone just doesn’t have the right personality for anyone to be their friend at work or for no one to think they are the right kind of person to be their friend? I’m asking because I’ve been at my workplace for over eight years. Knowing that I am very shy, especially when around new people, I put effort into talking to people, asking questions, listening when they told me something about themselves–other things mentioned in the article. I came in the main door with a smile and a good morning. I even started conversations sometimes which I had always found hard to do. Several things happened that showed me that people didn’t like socializing with me, talking to me, and certainly not as their friend. Everyone talked to each other, not to me, in our work area; other co-workers went out to lunch with each other & I was told to watch the front desk, except once in a blue moon the supervisor & one other person invited me to lunch (which I thought was a pity invite), and I was either interrupted & talked over when I was talking or I’d soon realize no one was listening because no one made any comments or seemed to notice when I stopped talking to name a few of the occurrences. I tried hard for over two years to be a friend and to make friends then I just gave up. I love my work but most of the time it has been extremely depressing and crushing to my self esteem to work here. Every new person I’ve seen come here have been talked to frequently or made good friends here or invited places during or after work hours. The reasons I’ve stayed: I’m making more money than I ever did before this job ( though it’s still not enough) and I used to periodically apply for new employment but was never hired. I don’t even recall having an interview. I’m sorry for the huge comment, but any insight (nothing cruel or insensitive please) would be appreciated.
Meeting New Friends: A Solo Renter’s Quandry | A Renter and Roommate Resource | The WilliamPaid Blog Said,
March 10, 2010 @ 4:12 pm
[...] job can be another perfect place to find friends. A good way to transcend the line from co-worker to friend is by getting a group together after work for dinner or drinks. Common experiences create memories [...]
isurvivedunscathed Said,
May 12, 2010 @ 5:05 am
Please don’t. Please keep your personal life to yourself. I don’t go to work to make friends. I go to work to do my job. I have a personal life and friends. I don’t need to know about your personal life, your relationships, your finances, your past, etc.
Kathy Said,
December 19, 2010 @ 6:57 pm
I guess I am shy to a degree and the majority of my administrative group is in a clique. A few years ago, I decided I would reach out at the holiday time and I went and made every member of the team a bag of white chocolate cinnamon pretzels..they’re the best…. to wish them Happy Holidays. I did a personal note for each and placed a bag on everyone’s desk….probably a dozen people. Of that group, I think two said thank you. The rest never said anything….not even that they received them. I have not done anything since.
I have also invited people to lunch for the Holidays and other. No one ever can go.
Never in my work life have I had these issues. I have been working for about thirty-five years. It’s gotten so I don’t care any more. I don’t reach out any more at work and don’t attend many functions. I just don’t feel welcome. I’m a very nice person but don’t want to be hurt any more. I work for a partner at our company so I am around a lot of people. Don’t know what to do. I really keep to myself now and would like something different at my office but don’t know what else to do.
Chundra Said,
May 31, 2011 @ 10:02 pm
I totally understand I have been working at my job for 1 month and 2 weeks at a graphic design company. Not too many people have conversations with me so I talk to them when I am not at my desk. There are these 2 black women who I like but they only invited me to lunch one time. One of them talks to me but only when the other one is not around. But when she leaves from another employees maternity leave then she will want my attention. I am a outgoing person but I think it is hard for everyone to except that another black woman is replacing the coworker who died and she was black. I am still new but I am going to take initiative
Julie Chalfant Said,
June 28, 2011 @ 4:19 pm
I work in a hospital running a small optical shop, small as in small office type setting. The eye clinic is just down a few doors. I love my job very much . The pts are just great. Its the co-workers I seem to have a hard time with. I’m very quite, always have been. I don’t like alot of joking around, guffawing, & such. Some, yes, but not all the time..But I do like to have a friend or two. I don’t have any real friends in the 5 years I’ve worked there. I talk to co-workers when needed and there are a few that I enjoy talking to about various things. Most of my conversation are with pts. As in every job, there are a couple people that don’t like me, why I really don’t know, I’m nice to everyone….maybe its my religion. I’m an old time Pentecostal & I wear skirts only, no slacks and I keep my hair long. I try to dress clean and neat and keep my hair neat and I have a smile for everyone. But, I have a hard time just striking up a conversation with my co-workers around me. I’m also very busy in my shop with paper work as I don’t have a computer, its all manual. I just want a couple real friends I can count on and not a fair weather friend that likes me till someone gossips something about me, although I really don’t give much to gossip about. I’m a straight forward to the point person, albeight very nice about it, shy.. yes… I just want to be alittle bit more outgoing. I’m sure I could get a bigger shop if I knew how to be friendly to those that be..
aarti Said,
July 26, 2011 @ 6:55 am
Hi , I m a cofounder of my business with my husband. But at my workplace my staff doesnt make friends with me. There is always a barrier betn me and my staff. I also work only half days so hv less time and focus on completing my work. but i feel an innate need to make friends at work so i can be happier working . pl advise?
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[...] help. Working alongside such compassionate and dedicated individuals, you never know when you might meet a great new friend. Getting a dental assistant education can improve your personal life as well as your financial [...]
Vickie Said,
October 15, 2011 @ 10:43 pm
I have the same experience as many of you. I work with a group who are nice to me because they have to work with me, but they will all go to lunch with each other, walking right by my desk, and leave me there. I have always had some problems fitting in at work, but it seems to be a matter of the kind of workplace it is. I fit in better working industrial settings, and less so in professional settings. I made the mistake a number of years ago of getting into HR. You could’t find a more isolating type of job if you tried.
Although the advice given in the article is nice, it does not always work. There are places where a person simply does not fit, and others won’t allow you to fit. Unfortunately, in these economic times, going somewhere else is not usually an option. I will have to stay in this miserable environment until I can find something else. My advice: pay attention to your gut when accepting a job. The ones I have made friends in the easiest “felt” good during the interview. Don’t do what I did: ignore that feeling and take the job anyway.
How To Make Friends Said,
November 27, 2011 @ 11:33 pm
Great Article.
I used to wonder how to make friends and beat my head agaisnt the wall.
Now, I have simple steps that I use to make new cool friends like clockwork. I teach people (young men) how to do it on one-on-one coaching.
And I released a FREE Report on how to Make 3 New Friends In 3 Weeks. You can download it Now for free while it’s still available : http://www.socialcirclepower.com
Good luck all
Paul Sanders
Mike Said,
December 22, 2011 @ 9:37 am
I’m currently doing a tempory Christmas restaurant set-up and waiting job, I’ve only known my colleagues for about 4 weeks, and we all finish on Friday. One thing I have realised though, is that you have to categorise people in your mind, some people who you just smile to and say ‘hi’ to, are just colleagues you like, and not your friends. However even the people you talk to, you do wonder, all though you get on really well, would you ever be part of their friendship group? Would they invite you along with their friends? It is hard to distinguish, the one or two I do get on with, I’m hoping to find the courage to say ‘We’ll have to met up sometime’, and I’ll hope for the best. But all you can do is try. Any advice greatly received.