How not to let annoying people annoy you
Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.
- Aristotle
Let’s get one thing very straight: The vast majority of people you meet at work are nice, caring and considerate. They go out of their way to be polite, they help if they can and they truly care about the well-being of people around them.
Yes, there are inconsiderate, annoying jerks out there sure, but they are a minority. They may seem like they’re everywhere (just read Bob Sutton’s excellent book The No Asshole Rule for some great examples), but that’s only because we tend to let annoying people take up more mindspace, making them more visible than their numbers warrant.
So how do you deal with annoying people at work?
Outside of work, you can walk away. If your cab driver is a jerk, you can get off and take another cab - odds are you’ll never see him again. If the person sitting next to you in a bar is annoying, you can get up and leave. At work though, you’re not free to leave that easily. In most cases you’re more likely to want to stay and resolve the issue.
The very best strategy is to become less angry. If you can fix it so that it takes more to trigger your anger reflex, you will enjoy greater peace of mind and be more free to act decisively and constructively when you are treated badly at work. You will also be less affected by any petty annoyances.
With that in mind, here are some strategies that can help you become less annoyed on the job. Try some of these thoughts, the next time someone or something really gets your goat at work.
1: Staying calm means you don’t do something you regret later
Sometimes when you get really mad, you may end up doing something rash. If you can stay calm, you’re more likely to choose constructive actions.
2: Getting mad often means staying mad
If you get annoyed here and now, that bad mood may last for a long time.
3: When you stay calm, you really annoy those who want to annoy others
If that person is truly out to annoy you, the very best way to annoy them back is to stay cool. Deny them the satisfaction of getting you riled. They hate that.
4: You only harm yourself
Getting annoyed really harms no one but you.
5: Getting annoyed makes it easier to get mad the next time
You start a cycle of anger - which means it takes less and less to set you off.
6: Dreaming of revenge is bad for you
This is certain, that a man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well.
- Francis Bacon
7: Getting annoyed makes the memory stronger
Anything you experience while having a strong emotion, will be etched permanently in your mind. This is why some people can remember every little detail of that incident 8 years ago where some jerk cut them off on the highway. The problem is that the memory becomes so strong that it keeps coming back to you and keeps annoying you for years.
8: Instead of getting mad at annoying people - feel sorry for them
Jerks are very often jerks because they feel bad themselves. Hating them is really a waste of time - feel sorry for them instead.
9: Sometimes you’re at fault and blowing up just makes it worse
Sometimes it turns out, that the whole thing is actually your own fault. If you previously blew up at someone, then you look really silly…
10: It’s not about you
Most jerks you will meet are not really out to get you, personally - this is how they treat everyone.
11: It may not be intentional at all
Maybe they have absolutely no idea that they’re annoying you.
12: Losing your temper makes you look bad
Even if you’re in the right in the situation, if you lose your temper you can end up looking silly, petty or unreasonable.
13: Laugh about it
Most workplace jerk behavior is annoying sure, but when you really look at it, it’s mostly pathetic and ridiculous. Laugh at it, rather than get annoyed.
14: Is it a case of projection?
Few things annoy us more than other people displaying the same weaknesses and faults as we fear we have ourselves. If a person really, really ticks you off, maybe that person is just making you think about some weak sides you’d rather not admit you have.
15: Maybe it’s an honest mistake
And most of all: People make mistakes. Don’t read too much into it when people do inconsiderate things. It may simply be an honest mistake.
The upshot
I want to make one thing very clear: I’m not saying that you should put up with behavior that annoys you. This is not about being meek and humble and never complaining about the mistakes that others make. This is about not getting angry over annoying people, because getting angry is rarely good for you.
Once in a while, getting angry may be just the ticket. It can be exactly what’s needed to unlock a tight situation. I wrote about one such case here - the time I learned to say “no!” at work.
But as Aristotle said - it’s not about getting angry, it’s about getting angry in the right way. And in most situations, keeping your cool is better for you, and produces better results.
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Jonas Cronfeld Said,
May 3, 2007 @ 10:02 am
When you’re about to get mad, get aware. Observe your mind. Do not judge. Just observe.
Sarah Said,
May 3, 2007 @ 1:28 pm
Thanks for this article. I have been having problems with a housemate who I think is a complete jerk. I’ve tried to be mature about it but can’t help being angry everytime I see him and consumed by negative emotions. I’m going to try and use point eight and feel sorry for him.
Luckily (for me) he will be moving out soon.
“8: Instead of getting mad at annoying people - feel sorry for them
Jerks are very often jerks because they feel bad themselves. Hating them is really a waste of time - feel sorry for them instead.”
I think this should help get me through the next week or so. It’s interesting that even though I would like to think about it logically, it’s quite hard when the emotional side (eg anger, resentment, annoyed) dominates. “Emotional hijacking”.
Recommended: “Emotional Intelligience” by Daniel Coleman (http://www.allconsuming.net/item/view/326936)
jonkysit Said,
May 3, 2007 @ 2:21 pm
There is one other way that people, at least in my office, tend to resort to. They just channel that energy and apply a bit of creativity to it. The results are wonderful, and I have founf the same happens in many other places as well. Quite a good gallery of examples here (artworkfromtheworkplace.wordpress.com)
Brocklesocks Said,
May 3, 2007 @ 6:05 pm
All sounds like pure logic to me. If you are reading this article and all of this is something you never knew, then you might have some problems :P
nobody Said,
May 3, 2007 @ 6:53 pm
While I appreciate your list of advice and like the fact that people care about not getting mad, some of the advice you give is very impractical or even negative sometimes. For instance:
“3: When you stay calm, you really annoy those who want to annoy others
If that person is truly out to annoy you, the very best way to annoy them back is to stay cool. Deny them the satisfaction of getting you riled. They hate that.”
The goal really should be go get everybody calm, NOT annoying the annoyer even more. I agree 100% with you that most of the time staying calm in the face of a fuming opponent drives them even madder. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a generic solution in such case. You can try to empathize and say things like “I am so sorry you feel this way. It must be really hard on you”. This works sometimes and is often advertized as a universal diffuser but my experience is that it’s a lot less effective than advertised. Sometimes, people are rightly pissed and this kind of statement can drive them over the edge. For example, let’s say you have a romantic partner who’s been faithful but you cheat on him/her and they confront you. Saying stuff like “I am so sorry you feel this way” will probably get you punched (if not worse). They want you to be emotional, maybe even angry so you can have the slap-kiss thing happening:-)
I know it’s a long stretch but the point is the truth in your saying that sometimes it is your fault and being calm about it pisses people off. However, it’s very hard to know when it’s your fault. So if you figure out a universal and objective way to distinguish who’s fault it is and make both parties less annoyed, I’d be happy to hear it. But until then, I’d refrain from giving the advice above.
“4: You only harm yourself. Getting annoyed really harms no one but you.”
Completely untrue - you can hurt a lot more than yourself. Both literally and figuratively. Getting annoyed and scratching the annoyer’s car in the parking lot obviously hurts them as well, if only on a superficial level. It may contribute to escalating the situation but then again it may not. Shrinks have recently begun to realize through brain studies that revenge triggers pleasure centers in the brain and CAN (but doesn’t always) relieve stress like no other technique out there. Apparently revenge also improves your hormonal balance and your immune system (again most of the time but not always). That’s why it’s favored by evolution as a genetic feature (as several studies have shown).
The far more important fallacy of your point 4 comes from the fact that when we get pissed, we need to vent and the ones that we usually give shit to are the ones that are most receptive - people that care about us (i.e. family, friends, SO, etc). So we do hurt quite a few other people without even realizing it. So when you vent profusely, you “transfer” some of that negativity to them, so they have to vent and “transfer” it to others and so on. There is study out there that basically claims that the basis for the proverb “what goes around, comes around” is a combination of this negative emotion “transfer” process and the six degrees of separation theory. Basically very soon, the shit you gave people you knew comes right back to you.
Anyways, my point is that I am fairly convinced that you cannot give or accept advice when it comes to dealing with other people. Any rigid pattern of behavior (i.e. following 10 or 15 or 1000 advices) is bound to not work. We simply don’t know enough scientifically about human nature to draw such conclusions. Sometimes being nice and calm helps, sometimes you need to tell the annoyer to fuck off so they know your boundary and don’t lose respect for you, sometimes you need to say you’re sorry, sometimes all you have to do is reach out and help. No universal solution, not even close to a general advice. Your best bet is probably to realize that the vast majority of events in your life is ruled by luck. So don’t sweat it and say “i’m sorry” and “thank you” as often as you can. But keep that little devil inside you handy for the time when you are truly dealing with an asswhole and saying “fuck off” has a positive effect:-)
Recommended Reading at Race in the Workplace - how race and racism influence our working lives Said,
May 8, 2007 @ 1:28 pm
[...] How not to let annoying people annoy you - Chief Happiness Officer Simma dow now! I’ve got one guy at work that really grinds my gears. I’m not sure I’m zen enough to follow all these suggestions, but there are some good tips. I’m guilty of getting all worked up only to find later that something was (partially) my fault. [...]
angel Said,
September 7, 2007 @ 4:47 pm
what if they decide that they want to put their hands on you?
Carma B Said,
October 16, 2007 @ 6:24 am
I also wrote an article about how to deal with annoying people and make the best of them. Definitely worth a check out:
http://www.sdeviations.blogspot.com/
Roberta Said,
January 26, 2008 @ 1:26 am
I am letting people upset me when they say crule and mean thigs about me and I would like to know what I should do so I wont get
so upset. It seems that they seem to enjoy upseting me.
I love people and enjoy helping others, but for some reason there are some people that simply say crule and and unkind thangs to get me
upset.
Please email soon and I will appreciate your advise..
thank you:
Roberta Said,
January 26, 2008 @ 1:30 am
I just emailed and prehaps I found the wrong thing over the internet,
I was just seeking advise on what I should do when people say crule things to me to get me upset.
thank you:
nobody's reader Said,
February 28, 2008 @ 10:54 am
@nobody: wow, that’s a lot of energy! I read your post and I’m with you. If you re-read the 15 tips, I think you might agree that Alexander and you do see eye to eye. He’s given 15 possible scenarios, but I don’t think he meant that to be all-encompassing. Of course, there are always going to be other possibilities and you will have to use your best judgment at any given moment. Like anything.
Now, this might sound like splitting hairs, but I think there is a difference between taking revenge and phantasizing about it. Dreaming of revenge is a mental exercise that etches bad feelings into your brain. It is something you do to yourself, not something someone else does to you. Taking revenge is action. It’s physical and feels great. But that’s where #1 comes in. Don’t do something stupid you’ll later regret. Revenge has to come in a form that you won’t be punished for later on. I think of an old soap opera where Alexis got revenge on Crystal by taking over a rival company and putting that goody-goody hypocrite out of business. That had to feel good, yes? And she didn’t do anything unlawful. Keying your co-worker’s car is illegal and will land you in a pot of hot water if you get caught. It’s much better to pour battery acid on the hood, so as not to set off the alarm. Make sure it is dark, desserted, and you’ve planned your getaway. Since it costs money to recycle old car batteries, you can find old batteries in alleys and along country roads. Just be careful and use gloves when handling the caustic chemicals. You’ll feel like a complete idiot if you injure yourself while trying to get your revenge. But it might also cure you from doing it again.
If staying calm pisses someone off, just imagine what laughing at them or engaging them in their anger will do! Naturally, if they get violent, you won’t want to remain calm. Grab something, hit them with it and run. Keep your weapon in your hand so you can hit them again, as needed to make them stop.
Whatever you decide to do, in my opinion #1 and #12 are the most important. Don’t do anything you will regret later and nothing is more important than appearances. See, here is where the real trouble with anger lies. No one cares who’s right, who’s wrong or who’s on first. Who *looks* like a winner, a loser, or a janitor after a food poisoning outbreak?
We are trained in our present day society to attack anyone afflicted with anger. We are told that angry people are dangerous and taught to fear them and loathe them. So if you come off as an “angry person” you won’t even be given the chance to present your side of the story, and there is nothing you can do about this, so just give in. I know that this will come off as cynical, but to those who doubt my sincerity, just remember that those wonderful forefathers of ours who built our society were very often angry men and women. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, the writers of the Magna Carta, the French Revolutionaries, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, WTO protesters, and so on. Even Moses was pissy. They did not *look* angry, but you don’t starve yourself or kill in the streets without a little anger driving you onward. They were taking their revenge, so their anger was engaged and focused. Anger is an energy. If you don’t use it can shake you apart. Like an engine red-lining but the clutch is out.
Personally, I’m very angry. Happy people can be fun but they can also be boring and unproductive. I’ve had a shitty life. But I take a religious bent. It’s God’s fault. So when he’s ready, things will become fair. Until then, I just have to grin and bear it and try not to get caught.
@Roberta, what do you do when someone insults you? I don’t have all the answers, but here is my humble suggestion. I sigh loudly, roll my eyes and open my mouth as if to speak. But I close my mouth as if to say, “never mind,” then walk a way. If it’s another girl, smile at her boyfriend. If it’s a boy, throw your chest out and walk like a woman as you show him the fine piece of ass that will never be his. If your ass is not fine, then make it fine. A beautiful body is gift, and it’s not that hard to look good. You’re a woman right? If you answer yes, you’re 90% there already. Just follow up on the last 10% with diet and exercise. Mastery is the best revenge.
frank Said,
March 1, 2008 @ 7:29 pm
Hi Roberta.
Hopefully this little social experiment of mine will give you some hope. If you do decide to try this then please note that I work in a fairly highly skilled job and am not easy to replace. If you are in the position of being considered expendable then doing this is probably not a good idea.
What I noticed some time back is that annoying people seem to always want something from me whether it is my time to sort out a mess that they have made or simply to insult me in front of others to try and show everyone that they are socially dominant.
The fact that people seemed to go out of their way to do this sort of thing got me to thinking that they must be getting some value out of making my life difficult or they would not be behaving in this fashion.
After mulling these events over decided to see if the law of supply and demand applied to human relationships. Began decreasing the amount of time spent making the lives of coworkers easy to see what the reaction was.
The secret is to resist passively and always be busy. Try to avoid or delay contact as much as possible by doing the following:
1. Take a long time to answer the calls of annoying people (applies to those of us who have call line ID).
2. Pretend to not fully understand what the person who is badgering you wants and have them explain several times (use the excuse that your boss walked in and you had to take the ‘phone away from your ear listen to him as he had something urgent to tell you so now they need to give you their little speech again).
3. Take on projects from more senior people in the organization and do them so well that the senior managers understand that you are busy and not always able to attend to your antagonists work or email immediately.
4. Only treated annoying coworkers in this way and be really well behaved with everybody else.
5. Try to stay away from the most irritating of people at social functions.
My experience with this was that the people being experimented on at first seemed to be in denial and carried on bashing their heads in the brick wall that had been made just for them.
As time moved on the message that was being sent to them subtly seemed to sink in a bit and they then tried the same tactics on me which was great because a menace free environment was actually what I wanted.
After about 3 weeks another attempt at getting under my skin was launched which was decidedly worse that the initial bad treatment that yours truly was receiving. Went on for a week or so and then stopped completely.
The odd ass still tries his luck but by and large most of these people seem to be completely intimidated now and either try to be friendly or keep things short and sweet.
If you do try this please just remember to stand your ground and don’t stop because someone is making a scene about your lack of co operation.
The previous antagonists will probably resent you for a long time to come and you will have to be careful of them forever but that is still better than being treated badly.
Frank
Jennifer Said,
May 29, 2008 @ 10:08 pm
I have a bit of a different issue going on. The person that is annoying me is not intentionally doing anything wrong. It is just her personality that grates on me. I think other people actually find her quite pleasant. I am unable to overlook some of the qualities in her personality that make me cringe. It is to the point that I am saying things under my breath when she says things out load to other co-workers. Some of the annoyances are that she is a brags about her family, she uses a fake lilting voice when she speaks on the phone and she tries to get me to side with her about things that bother her about other people we work with. I am really just fed up with seeing and hearing her day after day. Any suggestions for how to alleviate the stress this is causing me?
soashal conshunts Said,
July 7, 2008 @ 5:42 am
Jimmy, you scary freak. Maybe a future in the pen can bring you down from your high and mighty ego. You need to ignore this dumbass and the chicks at school, so you can focus on school. Your English is horrible. I’m not kidding. You write like a 6th grader - misspelled words and bad grammar - and you cuss like a low life. You don’t need an article on anger. You need a parent who loves you enough to beat the bejeezuz out of your egotistical ass and take your pride down a notch or two. Rob may be annoying to you, but you are a psychopath without meds. This is a clear case where you are the problem, not your enemy. From you yourself wrote, if I were a chick, I’d run away from you too. My experience with girls is that when one seriously criticizes you, you had better pay attention, because her advice will make you a better man and you’ll get more of what you want when you change yourself. Your problem is your pride and lack of discipline. You have your priorities all wrong and you therefore have an excess of anger and hatred that will haunt you well into your future. As long as you have these excesses, they will find someone to direct themselves at causing you to alienate yourself further, which of course will be their fault, so you re-create more anger and hatred and the cycle goes on. You need to swallow your bitter pride, discipline yourself, and get your priorities straight: 1. Parents/Family and God/Morals. 2. School. 3. Friends. 4. Job. Way at the bottom of the list is this Rob character.