How to handle chronic complainers
Got any chronic complainers where you work? It seems like every workplace has them - the people for whom the weather is always too warm or too cold, the boss is a jerk, the food is lousy, work sucks and … you fill out the list.
No matter how good things get they still only see the bad - and they go to huge lengths to point it out to everyone around them.
I’m not saying we should outlaw complaining, but workplaces need to do something about the chronic complainers because they tend to make people around them unhappy at work. It’s a fact that negative people are highly contagious and one chronic complainer can easily get an entire department down.
We try many different strategies to deal with complainers - one german IT company even bans whiners from the workplace. Yep - if you have a bad day you are not allowed to come in.
But most of the strategies we normally use on complainers don’t help and often make matters worse. I’ve outlined these strategies below.
And then at the end of the post, theres a simple, devious trick that works amazingly well. Try it!
The things we normally do about complainers and why they don’t work
There are several strategies people use around complainers, none of which really work.
1: Cheering them up doesn’t work
As in “Oh, it can’t be that bad”, “Come on, cheer up” or the perennial favorite “Time heals all wounds”.
Saying things like this shows the complainer that you’re not taking their pain seriously. When you tell a complainer “it’s not that bad”, he will often complain even harder to convince you (and himself) that his problems are very serious indeed.
2: Suggesting solutions doesn’t work
“Why don’t you…”, “have you tried…” or even worse “You should really have…”
The complainers’ problems are really serious and can’t be solved by a few smart-ass suggestions from you. Or so they’ve convinced themselves. The more you try to suggest solutions, the harder they will work to convince you and themselves that these solutions could never possibly work for them.
3: Telling them to pull themselves together doesn’t work
“Quit complaining and do something about it” or one of my favorites: “You either want the problem or you want the solution”.
Yeah, telling them that their problems are trivial and they just need to pull themselves together is going to work juuuuust fine. All complainers magically stop complaining at this. Or do they?
4: Complaining about the complainers doesn’t work
“Damn, that Sally complains a lot doesn’t she?”
Guess what, you just became a complainer :o)
5: Ignoring them / avoiding them doesn’t work
This makes complainers clamor for attention even more - which usually makes people ignore them even more. That’s a vicious cycle right there.
6: Complaining along with them doesn’t work
“You know what, you’re right, the boss IS a jerk. And the weather sucks. In fact everything sucks.”
This can be kind of cosy because it creates bonding and an us-against-the-world feeling. But ultimately it’s a bad idea because the more people complain the less prone they are to doing something about their problems.
I remember one of the first jobs I had where my manager was a complete dolt. My co-workers and I couldn’t start a meeting, go out for a beer or just meet in the hallway without spending 15-20 minutes complaining about him and his stupid ways. But all those man-hours spent complaining changed nothing and none of us ever did anything about it. Except quit the company one by one :o)
7: Confronting them doesn’t work
You can drive the complaints underground where you don’t see them, but they will probably still be going on. And repressed complaining is worse than open complaining because it gets to stew and grow while it’s hidden.
A trick that does work
So what does work? Here’s a simple but very effective trick:
A friend of mine who’s a dentist told me about an elderly, grouchy patient of hers. Every time he came in for an appointment he’d complain about the weather, his children, his car, taxes, society, and any other topic that might come up.
Now you might think “Hey, she’s a dentist, fill his mouth with gauze and cotton and let’s see him complain then!” but my friend is a naturally happy person and would instead try to cheer him up. Didn’t work, just made him complain even more.
So I taught her this trick and the next time he came in for an appointment she was ready. He went in the chair, and immediately started complaining.
After listening to his usual litany for a while my dentist friend said, with deep sympathy in her voice, “You know, that sounds terrible. I don’t know how you deal with all of these problems.”
You know what he said?
“Weeeeell, it’s not THAT bad!”
This approach works because it gives the complainer what he’s really after: Empathy. Not cheering up, not solutions, not egging-on. Just understanding of what is, for him, a difficult situation.
There are two important things to notice here:
- Don’t be sarcastic when you say it. Be sincere.
- You don’t have to agree that these are huge problems. Even if everything the complainer says sounds trivial to you, remember that it feels like a huge problem to him or her wouldn’t go on about it. What seems trivial to one person can be a huge problem for others.
So you’re not saying “Yes, I agree that’s a huge problem”. And you’re certainly not saying “Oh, poor poor you” in a sarcastic voice. You’re just acknowledging the fact that this is a huge problem for that person. Which undeniably it is.
Does this make the complaining go away? Only sometimes. But it keeps you from being part of a vicious cycle of responses that just makes the complainers complain more and more and more. The cycle is cut at the point you take their distress seriously.
So try this approach on your favorite complainer and tell me how it goes.
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Lyle Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 11:52 am
I find the other one - which is kind of similar - is to ask “Well, what would you do to improve the situation?”
The one I only managed once was to get the complainer to do a month’s “job swap” with the person they were complaining about, and funny enough after that they never complained again…
Alexander Kjerulf Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 12:33 pm
The job swap is a brilliant idea, Lyle!!! What a great way to show people that maybe there’s more to the situation than they currently see.
“What are you going to do about it” is similar to #3 above - telling the complainer to pull himself together and do something. The times I’ve tried it, the response is usually something like “I don’t think there’s anything I can do”.
stuart @ amanzi » Blog Archive » Chief Happiness Officer Rocks Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 1:55 pm
[…] A devious trick to handle chronic complainers […]
JACH Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 3:43 pm
Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhh!!
It’s like talking to my wife. Most of the time she only wants to be listened, no judging, no advices, just empathy :)
I think I’ve tried most of the “strategies” you mention… just to end up being a complainer myself!!!
I definitely need to try your trick ;)
Pre Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 4:13 pm
This is acutally a technique called reflective listening. Its a technique regularly used for councelling and therapy, however is a very useful technique for day to day situations. The three main features of it are : Empathy, congruence and concreteness. Check out http://www.analytictech.com/mb119/reflecti.htm
Dan Rocha Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 4:15 pm
This rang a bell as I recently read “Games People Play”, which gets into Transactional Analysis, and this is one of the games described. I believe it’s “Why Don’t You/Yes But…” (YDYB).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis
mike Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 4:25 pm
TOO warm or TOO cold.
Alexander Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 4:36 pm
Jach: This method works great on spouses and partners too. In this case it becomes extremely important to avoid even the slightest hint of sarcasm. At least if you want to remain with that person :o)
Pre & Dan: Thanks for the perspective on this. It’s good to know there’s some theory behind it too.
mike: Too right!
chris Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 5:18 pm
Sounds like a line from White Men Can’t Jump.
“If I’m thirsty, I don’t want you to bring me a glass of water. I want you to sympathize with having a dry mouth and connect with me through sharing and understanding”
Or some such.
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Ted Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 8:33 pm
Dan Rocha @ 4:15 pm, I was thinking it was similar to “I’m OK, You’re OK”, then I followed your wiki link and they are both “Transactional Analysis” books.
Meany BeDeeny Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 9:13 pm
Punching them in the teeth works great.
Push them down. “There, you’re on the floor!”
Jack Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 10:32 pm
Come on people. Either shoot the complainer or ignore him/her. This stuff being recommended here is just lame
Yvette Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 10:33 pm
I’ve got some people in the workplace who are always complaining that their systems aren’t working the way they want them to (I’m in the IT department). They’re always telling us we don’t do our jobs right, need to upgrade, etc, in other words: complaining to us.
What I try is make them co-owner of the problem. One employee that kept complaining about his performance, I asked to make a list of the circumstances in which his problem occurred. I didn’t settle for “the system isn’t quick enough” I asked for specifics so we would have a clue what the problem could be so we could work on how to fix it. I explained to him that we felt it was important that he could work efficiently but that we needed his help in finding out what the problem was because we hadn’t been able to reproduce it.
In that way, I validated that I took his problem seriously and also made him part of the solution. Guess what: he never gave me the list and stopped complaining. I think the problems were more a matter of perception than an actual problem :-)
Evan Said,
August 24, 2006 @ 11:47 pm
Great post. Thank you!
Alexander Said,
August 25, 2006 @ 12:02 am
Chris: Heh - that’s actually pretty much it…
Meany: Hey, then they at least have something serious to complain about :o)
Yvette: That is a great solution. Thanks for the story which illustrates that sometimes the problem isn’t the problem. The real problem is that people don’t feel they’re being taken seriously - which you did and the problem went away.
Evan: Thanks!
Bert Said,
August 25, 2006 @ 12:15 am
Bingo! now that’s what I call progress.
I used to complain all the time about this eco-friendly dish washing liquid of which I bought 3 bottles. It wouldn’t make enough suds and I had to spend extra time scrubbing my dishes.
When I found out that my sister-in-law used the same liquid for her dishes, I pointed this out in no time. She calmy replied, I know…I just deal with it.
The whining about that has stopped since, like a magic spell.
stuart @ amanzi » Blog Archive » links for 2006-08-25 Said,
August 25, 2006 @ 2:28 am
[…] A devious trick to handle chronic complainers (tags: productivity happiness work) […]
Ahmed Said,
August 25, 2006 @ 6:50 am
Eh, i tried this on one of the biggest whiners i know - and she just went on complaining :-(
Akkam’s Razor Said,
August 25, 2006 @ 1:05 pm
[…] How to handle chronic complainers (tags: happiness lifehacks psychology) […]
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Alexander Said,
August 25, 2006 @ 7:56 pm
Bert: That works too :o)
Ahmed: Sorry to hear it didn’t work. Maybe telling her once isn’t enough - try saying it a few times as she continues to complain. (cool website you have, btw)
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Joshua "Happy" Uebergang Said,
September 21, 2006 @ 12:23 pm
Hi Alex :)
You are almost spot on with regards with what not to do. It’s point “2: Suggesting solutions doesn’t work”. Yeah, I agree that sending solutions is a major barrier to communication, but people complain in hope that their problem will be solved.
I’m a bit uncertain about using such a passive approach. I believe empathy plays a strong role, but just using that in this case, they would perceive it as you accepting their complaints.
I suppose providing a solution isn’t a solution to chronic complaining as it would only solve this one problem.
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Casey Said,
April 9, 2007 @ 11:55 pm
I just ran across this advice when trying to find a way to deal with this complainer at work. I think that this advice is only good if the complainer is someone who you’d prefer to deal with time and time again. When you make a statement like that, you are expressing a level of empathy that many complainers latch onto for dear life and will seek out time and time again when they need a boost (for a complainer, that’s alot). So unless you’re prepared to say this line everyday and real with the energy drain that is a conversation with a complainer, it might be better to come up with something that shuts someone up and sends them packing, not returning for more “understanding.”
My not-so-nice yet effective line has been “Well, that sounds like an unsolveable problem for you.” Said with a hint of sarcasm so they can’t be sure where exactly you’re coming from. Most times the complainer makes some remark about how there are some solutions then peters off (good riddance!).
Life is too stressful to dole out your precious mental energy to folks who have no intention of helping themselves.
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mbc Said,
May 5, 2007 @ 4:35 am
Or you could just let them complain. At http://mybiggestcomplaint.com, we’ve found that complaining is mostly positive. Things get done when people complain. People feel better after they complain.
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May 7, 2007 @ 8:48 am
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Lee Said,
June 7, 2007 @ 10:50 pm
I work with two of the hugest complainers. Many of their issues are valid (we are all suffering the same way), but most of us (me included) have just decided not to let them get to us and to pick our battles elsewhere on more substantial items. I suppose I could just say just that to them. I am not sure about the validation approach because they are my issues too. Any suggestions? I think I am liking the sarcastic approach best… (eg. How do you sleep at night…)
anna Said,
July 3, 2007 @ 10:13 pm
thanx-great article!!! i have many complainers around me!!!
and i have been avoiding them for 2 weeks- best 2 wks ever…
they want a sollution, but no. they love pity, as you say. my plan is to just be too busy for them. i’ll just pray 4 them- i cant help them-they just drain you. perhaps ill just try the comment you have suggested :)
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jacob Said,
August 12, 2007 @ 3:35 pm
i am currently an intern in an ultrasonography department in a hospital. i won’t say which one, but i will say i will have to be there for 7 months total. this scares me because i am already starting to realize that i work with chronic complainers who get frustrated over the smallest things. i wish i knew what to do about them. i asked my friend for advice and he said when they start to complain or talk behind somebody else’s back just walk away and don’t say anything. instead im an idiot and just listen to them complain. i hate them for it. you just cant talk to them without them complaining, i have tried to change the subject but then they just get mad. whats worse is if you “cross” them they talk behind your back..i constantly catch this one techs mistake and now all of a sudden hes talking behind my back saying stuff like “your being very advesarial and i don’t want you to work with me because you think i dont know anything”..truth is the guy doesnt have a formal ultrasound background, or license, and hes so slow its painful to watch him scan. i cant help sharing with him my vast knowledge of the trade. i dont know what to do, he pisses me off as much as i piss him offf…i could complain forever. sorry
chiefscribe Said,
August 22, 2007 @ 10:30 am
Jacob,
You may not complain within the workplace but jeezs you are having a fair dummy spit on here?
Would it have anything to do the staffing levels within your Hospital? Hospital Staffing levels in Australia (and that covers most Public & Private Hospitals) are dramatically understaffed thereby making staff work unrealistic hours. Most Interns work 120 hours per week and that is well documented and known but Hospital Administrations ignore any side effects of lack of sleep!!
Be a man and tell them to get on with their employment and if they are happy resign and get out of your face!
Stan Grainger Said,
August 24, 2007 @ 6:09 pm
Love the article. Complaining is unhealthy because it transform one into a victim who by their submitting to this role is helpless. Action is required and many people are not willing to extend the effort to make things better.
Don't Agree Said,
August 24, 2007 @ 6:20 pm
I don’t agree with this solution at all. I completely disagree with the things people I work with are complaining about… I don’t want to say, “How do you deal with all those problems?” when I don’t believe that they ARE problems. That just lends credit to them, in my opinion. The actual problem is that these people have chosen to have a bad attitude. With all my heart I want to photocopy Charles Swindoll’s “Attitude” speech and send it to all the chronic complainers I work with.
And it’s so hard not to become a complainer about the complainers! It’s such a cancer!!
chiefscribe Said,
August 28, 2007 @ 6:28 pm
If Employers did the honourable thing by paying their staff pay rates on the same basis that they give themselves unrealistic and undeserved Bonuses and unrealistic salary increases that are far above the levels the employees are entitled to enjoy, than the number of Chronic complainers would reduce, don’t you think?
Why is it a given that the Employers are such wonderful and honourable people?
Seema Bangia Said,
September 17, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
Hi Friends,
This is a perpetual problem handled by HR professionals. Some set of employees are never satisfied. For example: you give an increment (raise) of 30% or 50% still they would complain. Then I tell them to look at their salary before joining this organization as what they were getting before getting on rolls of this organization, then they have many other excuses. As you have rightly titled them as “chronic”, they do not buzz from their view point. I have one classic example in my organization.
Cheers!
chiefscribe Said,
September 17, 2007 @ 2:47 pm
Seema Bangia in our dreams 30 to 50% raise. Wake up and smell the roses son!
Wait I suppose if it is 30 to 50% increase of a salary of USD$20 per month than maybe.
Wait you got to be talking about the increases that the Bosses are forever giving themselves for sacking plebs on USD$16,000 Per Annum, perhaps?
Seema Bangia Said,
September 18, 2007 @ 6:14 am
Yeah….its different context. I am referring to Indian scenario in Telecom industry. Hiring 0-3 yrs exp. network engineers…..very little salary they come with and over a period of time some of them get 30-50% increment. I am not referring to average norm but to some “chronic” cribbers.
MinaMadina Said,
September 24, 2007 @ 4:53 pm
Most people just want sympathy
if they had time for solutions, they would have fixed the problem already
they may be going so fast trying to meet the needs of so many people,
thay don’t have any energy left for themselves,so they are like
a man in the desert, and the first one they see becomes the target.
it may seem easy to just go fix a problem,
but I can garantee they have someone needy/irresponsible in their life
sucking all their energy out, possiblel a critic themselves
Bonnie Said,
September 25, 2007 @ 7:31 pm
As has already been said, most complainers are complainers
because they CHOOSE to be… in some warped way,
being a “victim” is what gives meaning to their life. They do
NOT want to change. Solving their “problems” would
be like taking away the air they breathe. So if one problem
is solved (despite their best efforts), they’ll immediately find
a replacement problem to complain about.
I agree with Casey. If you don’t want to deal with
these TOXIC people over and over again, do not empathize
with them. If possible (if the chronic complainer is not your
boss, for instance), tell them that they’re constant
complaining brings you down; and because you’d rather be
“up” than “down,” you can no longer listen to their problems.
If they have valid complaints that you need to be aware of,
tell them you’ll only listen if they also offer solutions. Notice I
said THEY must offer solutions… not you! (Otherwise, shut them down.)
This allows them to still whine and complain (which is their life, remember?), BUT it also adds a new focus for them (and may
help bring genuine improvements to the workplace).
Who knows? Perhaps a small percentage of them will actually
change their behavior as their focus on finding solutions
eventually takes priority over finding problems, and gives them
new, healthier “air to breathe.”
Sandy Said,
September 26, 2007 @ 4:52 pm
I see some great advice from all these people for those that have to deal with constant complainers! Alot of times no matter what you say to a complainer it will not stop them. I also really like Casey’s idea that shuts someone up and sends them packing, when all else fails. He said “Well, that sounds like an unsolveable problem”. Wow, I honestly think it will work and it will make the complainer stop right then and think of those two words…”unsolveable problem”. They just might get quiet and I bet will then try to figure out how to solve it! If they do succeed and complain again about something else, I bet they might just stop, think and remember those two words again and do the same.
I also totally agree with Bonnie’s comments. Some complainers are hopeless no matter how hard you to try to help or listen to them. They are going to continue. You then have to speak to them about their constant complaining. That in itself might just wake them up to….am I really this bad? She said most complainers choose to be that way. By making them aware of what they are doing to those around them, they just might find their own solution, like Bonnie stated.
I can’t see how complaining can be positive, as also stated before. It can only be maybe…thought to be that way, when that type of a person can learn to stop. The “job swap” idea is also very good. That was stated to me one time and I got quiet! My constant daily filing of paperwork then went on in silence! I see now that alot of this advice has really helped some of us already and I hope it will continue.
Con Anima Said,
November 12, 2007 @ 2:43 am
If it’s a work complainer, the “walk away” strategy is most effective and convenient. You’re at work - it can’t be that tough to use the standard excuse, “Gotta go; work is waiting for me.” A less subtle approach would be to get in the habit of wearing your ear buds wherever you go. Just make sure you have the Blackberry connected to the other end - or the CD player, whichever the case may be.
A family complainer or a friend who is a complainer deserves a different tact - that’s where the advice offered by this blog is good advice. You don’t want to be so heartless or callous that you have forever alienated someone you really do care about. The empathetic response mentioned in the blog gets my vote.
I am really surprised no one mentioned a fix-it remedy that the no-nonsense, more pragmatic person usually keeps in his toolkit: If it is a telephone conversation during which the complainer begins his rant, simply say nothing. Then quiety press the “END call” button. In fact, isn’t that the one good thing about all those dead zones that come with your cellphone family plan?
chiefscribe Said,
November 12, 2007 @ 3:56 am
Look at the current debate going on in the USA where the Democrats are pulling each other apart in the hope of being the next most powerful WOMAN in the World.
In Australia where everything said by the current Prime Minister and the one who wants to be the next Prime Minister, I can’t believe anything either of them say.
Chronic whinger, maybe I am, but I see myself as a pessimist cynic who can see rubbish when presented with it.
You bunch of do gooders with all these methods of dealing with the likes of me are not winning the battle. The world is spinning into a rubbish tip and you guy s are still smelling the roses.
Take a reality check NOW!!! Before it is much too late.
kaynara Said,
December 2, 2007 @ 5:48 am
thanks for the posting. Very useful.
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December 22, 2007 @ 12:42 am
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Sunny Said,
March 6, 2008 @ 7:43 am
Good article. It would work for few people. Well, I would like to let you know what happens when I use “You know, that sounds terrible. I don’t know how you deal with all of these problems”, all I’ve got is-”Thank God! You finally understand what I’m going through” and I get to hear more whining! :-( I think different tricks work for different people. I choose to ignore few complainers, while for others, I offer solutions.
I was a chronic complainer myself. I found out the reason that people around you influence you a lot. There’s this friend of mine who cribs, whines, complains for almost EVERYTHING in life. This started to slowly influence me. Thankfully, I’ve been able to identify why I used to complain. Better late than never! ;-)
Stevo Said,
April 3, 2008 @ 10:10 pm
“I don’t know how you deal with these problems”
This will never work with a true complainer. He’ll just say, “I’m not. I’m going crazy. I’m reaching the end of my rope and I can’t take it anymore”.
Here’s a good one: “Why are you telling me this?”
Who knows? Maybe they haven’t even thought about that themselves. If they come back with “I need to vent my frustrations”, you can say, “This seems to be happening a lot. I’d say you need a therapist for that.” or “I’m not comfortable doing that for you”. If they say, “I need advice,” then you can say, “I don’t need to hear all the background–What’s the question?”
I also like what someone said before about simply telling the person straight out that you can’t talk to them anymore, that their complaining makes you feel depressed, and that you want to be “up”, not “down”. It’s direct, and best of all, it’s true. Refuse to play the game with them!
Derek Alvin Tan Said,
April 13, 2008 @ 5:51 pm
I have a bit of a question. What if the complainer is complaining about YOU or YOUR GROUP ? And he/she is complaining to everyone around. Of course I had to keep myself from complaining about her stupidity and lack of mental ability and initiative to ASK for assistance and follow protocol.