Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.
– Aristotle

Let’s get one thing very straight: The vast majority of people you meet at work are nice, caring and considerate. They go out of their way to be polite, they help if they can and they truly care about the well-being of people around them.

Yes, there are inconsiderate, annoying jerks out there sure, but they are a minority. They may seem like they’re everywhere (just read Bob Sutton’s excellent book The No Asshole Rule for some great examples), but that’s only because we tend to let annoying people take up more mindspace, making them more visible than their numbers warrant.

So how do you deal with annoying people at work?

Outside of work, you can walk away. If your cab driver is a jerk, you can get off and take another cab – odds are you’ll never see him again. If the person sitting next to you in a bar is annoying, you can get up and leave. At work though, you’re not free to leave that easily. In most cases you’re more likely to want to stay and resolve the issue.

The very best strategy is to become less angry. If you can fix it so that it takes more to trigger your anger reflex, you will enjoy greater peace of mind and be more free to act decisively and constructively when you are treated badly at work. You will also be less affected by any petty annoyances.

With that in mind, here are some strategies that can help you become less annoyed on the job. Try some of these thoughts, the next time someone or something really gets your goat at work.

1: Staying calm means you don’t do something you regret later
Sometimes when you get really mad, you may end up doing something rash. If you can stay calm, you’re more likely to choose constructive actions.

2: Getting mad often means staying mad
If you get annoyed here and now, that bad mood may last for a long time.

3: When you stay calm, you really annoy those who want to annoy others
If that person is truly out to annoy you, the very best way to annoy them back is to stay cool. Deny them the satisfaction of getting you riled. They hate that.

4: You only harm yourself
Getting annoyed really harms no one but you.

5: Getting annoyed makes it easier to get mad the next time
You start a cycle of anger – which means it takes less and less to set you off.

6: Dreaming of revenge is bad for you

This is certain, that a man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well.
– Francis Bacon

7: Getting annoyed makes the memory stronger
Anything you experience while having a strong emotion, will be etched permanently in your mind. This is why some people can remember every little detail of that incident 8 years ago where some jerk cut them off on the highway. The problem is that the memory becomes so strong that it keeps coming back to you and keeps annoying you for years.

8: Instead of getting mad at annoying people – feel sorry for them
Jerks are very often jerks because they feel bad themselves. Hating them is really a waste of time – feel sorry for them instead.

9: Sometimes you’re at fault and blowing up just makes it worse
Sometimes it turns out, that the whole thing is actually your own fault. If you previously blew up at someone, then you look really silly…

10: It’s not about you
Most jerks you will meet are not really out to get you, personally – this is how they treat everyone.

11: It may not be intentional at all
Maybe they have absolutely no idea that they’re annoying you.

12: Losing your temper makes you look bad
Even if you’re in the right in the situation, if you lose your temper you can end up looking silly, petty or unreasonable.

13: Laugh about it
Most workplace jerk behavior is annoying sure, but when you really look at it, it’s mostly pathetic and ridiculous. Laugh at it, rather than get annoyed.

14: Is it a case of projection?
Few things annoy us more than other people displaying the same weaknesses and faults as we fear we have ourselves. If a person really, really ticks you off, maybe that person is just making you think about some weak sides you’d rather not admit you have.

15: Maybe it’s an honest mistake
And most of all: People make mistakes. Don’t read too much into it when people do inconsiderate things. It may simply be an honest mistake.

The upshot

I want to make one thing very clear: I’m not saying that you should put up with behavior that annoys you. This is not about being meek and humble and never complaining about the mistakes that others make. This is about not getting angry over annoying people, because getting angry is rarely good for you.

Once in a while, getting angry may be just the ticket. It can be exactly what’s needed to unlock a tight situation. I wrote about one such case here – the time I learned to say “no!” at work.

But as Aristotle said – it’s not about getting angry, it’s about getting angry in the right way. And in most situations, keeping your cool is better for you, and produces better results.

The theme on the blog this week is forgiveness. I kicked it off on Monday with a tip to forgive someone at work, and followed up on Tuesday with fascinating research from Sarah Warner, which shows that companies with a culture of forgiveness are more productive than companies where people are prone to revenge.

I’ve since found even more reasons to avoid revenge at work:

A tit-for-tat corporate culture can also lead to the loss of great workers, said Dr. Everett Worthington, a psychology professor at Virginia Commonwealth University and Executive Director of the Campaign for Forgiveness Research.

Worthington has been studying more than 100 workers in Virginia and Washington, D.C., who were asked to recall incidents of workplace transgressions.

“(After) conflicts, they no longer liked coming to work,” Worthington said. “They became sicker and missed more work days. In some cases, they even changed jobs.” (source)

But how exactly can a company foster a culture of forgiveness, rather than one of revenge? Here are my top three tips.
1: Teach leaders to forgive mistakes

In one company, the CEO was told by a trembling employee, that the company website was down. This was a big deal – this company made most of its sales online, and downtime cost them thousands of dollars an hour.

The CEO asked what had happened, and was told that John in IT had bungled a system backup, and caused the problem. “Well, then,” says the CEO “Let’s go see John!”

When the CEO walked into the IT department everyone went quiet. They had a pretty good idea what wass coming, and were sure it wouldn’t be pretty.

The CEO walks up to John’s desk and asks “You John?”

“Yes” he says meekly.

“John, ” says the CEO, “I want to thank you for finding this weakness in our system. Thanks to your actions, we can now learn from this, and fix the system, so something like this can’t happen in the future. Good work!”

Then he left a visibly baffled John and an astounded IT department. That particular mistake never happened again.

The CEO might just as well have thrown the book at John and fired him for his mistake. This show of forgiveness, of acknowledging that mistakes happen and that we must learn from them, goes a long way to creating a culture of forgiveness.

2: Teach leaders to apologize
Leaders make mistakes. Everyone does. But leaders who never apologize for their mistakes, create a sense of injustice and unfairness around them.

Leaders who freely apologize when they screw up demonstrate that making mistakes is OK, and therefore make it easier for people to forgive others’ mistakes.

3: Make people happy at work
And most of all, make people happy at work. Studies show, that when people are happy at work, they are much less prone to bad or petty workplace behavior, such as revenge. They are also more likely to think the best about others, and less likely to assume that others are out to get them – and thus worthy of revenge.

What do you think it takes to make people more inclined to forgiveness than revenge at work?

A radio producer felt oppressed because her boss was constantly stealing her food –- right off her desk. So she made some candy out of EX-Lax, the chocolate flavored laxative, and left it on her desk. As usual, he ate them without permission. When she told this thief what was in the candy, “he was not happy.??? (Source).

What do you do, when you’re treated badly or unfairly at work? Do you go along to get along? Get even? Something else?

More and more people seek revenge at work when slighted. The number of retaliation charges has nearly doubled over the last eight years and more than 27% of all harassment and discrimination claims currently filed contain a claim for retaliation (source).

But while getting even may feel good for a moment, is it really a good idea? From a business perspective, the answer turns out to be no.

I was recently at an international conference on positive psychology arranged by the Center for Applied Positive Psychology, and among the many fascinating people I met there was Sarah Warner.

Sarah presented a research project that demonstrates that workplaces with a culture of forgiveness had:

1. Lower levels of interpersonal conflict and stress
2. Higher levels of productivity

Apparently, revenge creates stress and lowers productivity, whereas a culture of forgiveness makes a company more efficient and more profitable. So forgiveness is good for business. Cool!

I’ve had a chance to interview Sarah about her fascinating project, and about why companies need to work on their ability to forgive people’s missteps.

Sarah, please tell us a little about yourself
I am an undergraduate student at Luther College, a university in the United States and I graduate this month! I have conducted research through my university on the topics of workplace forgiveness, interpersonal stress, productivity, and health. I recently presented a poster of my research at the First Applied Positive Psychology Conference, University of Warwick, UK.

How did you come to choose workplace forgiveness as a topic for your study?
Looking at the “other side” of the issue was interesting to me. By the other side I mean looking at forgiveness as opposed to revenge, which is emphasized most by many researchers. I wanted my study to be applicable to the real world, which is why I used a real, live workplace for my research. There is a misconception that forgiveness has no place in the business world and I wanted to show that this is far from the truth.

What kind of workers participated in the study?
The workers who participated in my research were employees at a manufacturing firm. Most of the employees at this workplace were in a factory environment, with the others in an office setting.

How exactly does forgiveness affect interpersonal relationships?
Interpersonal stress was found to mediate (act as the “middleman”) in the relationship between forgiveness and health/productivity outcomes. This means that forgiveness is related to health (both physical and mental) and productivity through the variable of interpersonal stress. In fact, the results of my study suggest that up to 40% of the relationship is accounted for by interpersonal stress. Also, forgiveness alone was strongly correlated to health and productivity.

Did anything in your results surprise you?
The strength of the results was the most surprising aspect of the study. I had predicted that this relationship would exist but the extent to which
it exists was surprising. Forgiveness is related to many of the things that organizations are worried about today: Productivity problems, health insurance costs, etc. Organizations should think twice before they write-off forgiveness as having no importance in the workplace.

What’s next? What are some of the questions we still need answers to?
Because this study was one of the first to examine this relationship, more research would be helpful to confirm its strength. Looking at different
types of workplaces and organizations in other countries would also be a great next step. The interesting question, especially in the business
world, is how forgiveness can save an organization money (through increasing productivity, decreasing healthcare costs, etc.). When the discussion turns to saving money, organizations start to listen a bit more.

Have you ever sought revenge on someone? Or are you the forgiving type? :o)
Well, that is a fair question! I have to say that I am generally the forgiving type. Like most people, I have held grudges in the past against people who have hurt me. While it is hard at times, I try not to do to this anymore. It seems that when a person holds a grudge, it really ends up hurting them the most, not the person they are holding the grudge against. I believe this to be true, which is part of the reason I am so interested in this field of research.

A great big thank you to Sarah.

If you have any questions for her, write a comment, and she’s promised to answer.

Ice cream company Dreyer’s (or Edy’s depending on where in the US you are) have just launched a campaign to find the happiest workplaces in the US.

The happiest companies will win a fully stocked (and re-stocked as warrants) freezer full of Dibs bite-sized ice cream for a month. What is bite-sized ice cream, I hear you ask? It’s a package full of little bite-sized, chocolate-covered ice cream nuggets – so you don’t even need to get out a bowl or a spoon. Now that’s innovation.

If you’d like to win, you must enter your workplace into the competition here and tell them what makes your workplace happy.

I think that’s a wonderful way to brand your product, and I’ve long predicted this development – that companies would start branding themselves on happiness at work. In this case it makes sense for Dreyer’s/Edy’s, because they are themselves a fun place to work and because their product fits very well with this message. Think about it. Happiness. Ice cream. Is that a perfect fit or what?

Which just goes to show that the idea of great workplaces is spreading and becoming more and more commonplace. I loooooove it :o)